PAINFUL TRANSITION

Image: www.softwareandi.com

There may be no more painful transition than being fired. It strikes deep into our sense of self-worth. It raises fear for the future. At first, the only reaction is one of being stunned, especially if things had seemed to be going well until the moment of being handed the “pink slip.” One moment you thought the future would be the same as the past. Suddenly, in European terms, you are considered “redundant.” It feels like you has been grabbed by the shirt collar and thrown out on the trash heap.

Some organizations do provide some level of severance, but not many. Some offer “out placement services” to help with preparing a resume, and seeking a new position. Depending on the circumstances, one might qualify for unemployment insurance which might provide enough income to buy bread for a while between employments.

For ministers, it seems doubly painful. Most ministers understand their serving a congregation as their “call,” their God ordained reason for being. That is true in a broad sense of call to serve as a minister. It is also true in the specific call to serve a particular congregation. After conducting any number of baptisms, weddings, funerals the minister has developed a relationship with the people of the congregation. Add on top of that the myriad of hospital visits, home visits, being there in various crisis moments, leading classes and worship services and a bond, a sacred bond, is formed.

When the governing body of the congregation decides to seek dissolution of the pastoral relationship news often reaches the minister through back channels. A member who might be particularly close to the minister may call or stop by the pastor’s study with the news. I once came back from vacation early. My car was parked in front of the church. Two separate people stopped to tell me the news that the session had been polled and they were going to ask for my resignation. The session’s process was totally out of order, but the deed was done. After feeling the blood drain from my body leaving me with an icy feeling, I wanted to run to the restroom and puke. Being who I am, my next reaction was to mount a full counter assault, but the deed was done. Thankfully, enough time was bought in seeking to reconcile the situation to allow me time to seek and find a new call.

The church, at least the part in which many serve, has a non-existent out-placement process. The presbytery, conference, association or whatever the overseeing body is, may have some requirement for severance to be paid, because ministers are not eligible for unemployment compensation from the state. If anything beyond the minimum severance is to be paid the minister has to plead their own case and hope for a modicum of “Christian charity” to be extended. The sense of betrayal by those one has served is sword-edge sharp.

The usual time it takes to seek and acquire a new call is between a year and eighteen months. Dissolution of a pastoral call is a time of fear for the minister and their family. It is a time of grief and mourning. William Bridges, writes, I had always confused mourning and grieving, seeing them both as referring to missing the dead person terribly and weeping when you recalled things that you had done together. …(B)ut for me mourning was different. It was an almost cognitive process, where inwardly and at levels that I could only occasionally glimpse, I was dismantling a whole life structure and relinquishing the outlook that went with it. (The Way of Transition:Embracing Life’s Most Difficult Moments, William Bridges, Perseus Publishing, 2001, Kindle Location 880).

Ending a “call” with another in hand is sad in the ending, but the pain of severing relationship is softened with the promise of moving into a new position in a new place. Ending a call due to an involuntary dissolution of the pastoral relationship is more like the mourning described by Bridges. It is dismantling a whole life structure and relinquishing the outlook that went with it. One begins to question if the broader call to ministry was misread, and seriously doubts the ability to fulfill a particular call. It is a dark and lonely place.

From personal experience and by observing multiple involuntary termination of pastors, I know it is important to have another, who is not involved in the situation, to walk with the terminated pastor. Dismantling what was and taking steps toward a new future is hard work. A competent coach is a significant help in living through the transition.

Contact me 

Wayne A Yost Coaching and Consulting Services

Sabotaging Change

Image Source: dailykos.com

Whenever one is trying to initiate change there will be resistance. Some resistance will be rather benign. Other resistance will be conscious or subconscious sabotage. Suppose you have announced to your co-workers that you are going to try to lose twenty-five pounds of excess weight. Everybody in the office knows you are especially fond of jelly filled rolls. You can usually resist all other donuts and rolls, but jelly-filled are particularly irresistible. It is an office tradition for one of the staff members to stop at the local bakery and to pick up a dozen donuts and rolls. Nobody else in the office is fond of jelly-filled rolls. Yet, every Friday, there are two jelly filled rolls in the box when the staff gathers for a morning break. Quite without thought the purchaser of the pastries is sabotaging your weight lose goal.

I am the kind of person who likes to talk through an idea before beginning to take steps toward initiating a change. In one congregation I served I would often go to the secretary’s office to engage her in such conversations. She was a member of the congregation and a very capable secretary. She would politely listen to me spin out my idea. Often she would ask some excellent questions about it. I did wonder, a few times, when I would introduce an idea at a session meeting, why there were already some who seemed to know about the idea in advance. One day a member of the congregation stopped by the office for a chat. He said, “The other night when you brought up your idea for the stewardship campaign to the session, I sat there and realized I had heard about that a few weeks ago. Do you realize your secretary tells her husband about your conversations, and he talks about them at the golf course in the Nineteenth Hole?” Intentional or not, I was being sabotaged.

The next time the secretary was in the office, I went in to talk with her. We had the usual chit-chat about families and pets and such. Then I said to her, “I am disturbed to learn your share our conversations about ideas I am working on with your husband and he then shares them in the Nineteenth Hole when the men’s league plays. I feel you are sabotaging me, before the idea is full blown and I am ready to take it to the session. It needs to stop, or we’ll not be able to work together anymore.” Needless to say, that did not go over very well. When I left her office, she immediately wrote a letter of resignation. She stated as the reason that “I had yelled at her.” The letter was sent to every member of the session. Maybe I could have handled it differently.

John C. Norcross, PhD, writes in response to the question, “What should I do if someone is sabotaging my efforts to change?” Dr. Norcross suggests, Based on research and experience, we know that it helps to address the potential saboteurs from the get-go. That’s addressing, not confronting, mind you. (https://www.sharecare.com/health/wellness-healthy-living/what-do-sabotaging-efforts-change) That is all well and good if one anticipates not just the possibility but the probability of sabotage and deals with it proactively as Dr. Norcross suggests.

In later years, while still preferring to talk through ideas, I learned to go to whoever I was going to discuss an idea, and began the conversation saying, “I have an idea running around in my head. I would like your feedback on it, but this has to be limited to just the two of us.” In most cases, that seemed to work.

Initiating Change

Image by www.eci.com

How do you go about initiating changed? Some may seek to initiate change with the “royal decree.” The formal, or titular leader, may simply make a declaration that the old way will cease and a new way will commence. “As of tomorrow we will no longer use the latest version of the iPhone and must use landline phones.” That is one way to initiate, but what preparation was made to ensure everybody in the organization understood the reason for the change and had landline accessibility. Cell phones have become so ubiquitous why revert to landlines? There would be a great deal of organizational anxiety, and resistance (active and passive).

Some may seek to initiate change using the maxim, “Rub raw the sores of social discontent.”  What are people dissatisfied with, angry about, and fearful of? To initiate change one keeps reminding people of their dissatisfaction, anger and fear while magnifying it to ever greater heights. Keep pounding home how bad things are and paint a picture of how good things could be. In the current political environment and the U.S.A. presidential campaign, some are maximizing their message around dissatisfaction, anger and fear.

The strategy is to rouse the populace to the point of “revolution.” That is the way of Karl Marx and Saul Alinsky. In some ways it is the model I was taught by my professor Hal Wareheim and (in my view) is used, in a modified form, by consultant Del Poling (http://delpoling.com/ministry_services.html)

in his Leading Congregations Through Major Change. It is also the means used by disgruntled congregation members when trying to get rid of the minister. Keep telling the stories of what you, and others, do not like about the pastor’s service until greater and greater numbers begin to adopt your dissatisfaction or come up with their own. The more logs which are thrown on the fire the hotter it gets. The solution is clear, get rid of the pastor and everything will be right, again.

Consultant Alan Hirsch proposes another way (http://www.alanhirsch.org/). In his blog entry Stir Up Holy Discontent Hirsch states,

Questing is the result of holy discontent, and more often than not, as in all genuine renewal movements, they are the result of the Holy Spirit working directly in our lives. And behind every good quest lies at least one really good question—we do well to heed Einstein’s advice to a young admirer when he said, “The important thing is to not stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existence.”

(http://www.alanhirsch.org/blog//cultivating-learning-and-innovation-iv-stir-up-holy-discontent)

What is God calling us to be and do? What will expand the realm of God in our community? What would things be like if we sought a more peaceful means of resolving our differences? How might we improve our educational endeavors, from cradle to grave, for our members? What else could we do to proclaim and demonstrate the good news of the Gospel?

Questions are expansive, open, seeking a multiplicity of possibilities. Questions stir the imagination. Questions are non-judgmental. Questions are egalitarian, rather than the imposition of a solution from the “king on the mountain.” As Hamlet says to Horatio, There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. (Hamlet (1.5.167-8)

CHANGE AND TRANSITION

I am in the midst of reading The Way of Transition: Embracing Life’s Most Difficult Moments, William Bridges (Perseus Publishing, Cambridge, Mass, 2001). In it, so far, he has been relating the changes and transitions in his life during his wife’s dealing with cancer and her death. Bridges alternates his narrative with chapters drawing out his learning about change and transition. The narrative pulls at one’s heart string as we walk with him and Mondi, especially as her death draws closer and finally occurs. For Bridges and Mondi, there was considerable time for anticipating and preparing for the change which would be occasioned by her death. Not everyone has that has that excruciating luxury.

As I was reading, I could not help think about the difference between change and transition as they are related to the life of a pastor and congregation. We may spend intentional time, prior to the change, trying to help the congregation, and our self, prepare for the proposed change. The session (church board) acts to make a change. It could be changing the church school curriculum, worship times, relocation of the place of the congregation, or anything else. This week worship is held at 11:00. Next week worship be held at 9:00. The change happens.

How do we deal with the transition, the adaption, to the change? The rhythm of Sunday morning to which all have long been accustomed is disrupted. The air conditioning or heating of the worship space has to be adjusted for the comfort of the worshipers. Parents with young children have to get up earlier and awaken the kids earlier so all can get to worship on time. For some medication times have to be adjusted. It is not uncommon to hear remarks such as, “I didn’t like the idea when I first heard about it. I don’t like it now. I feel like my whole Sunday routine has been taken away. It just doesn’t feel right.” “I’ve had to give up lunch with my friends. Now we have to do brunch. It just doesn’t feel right.”

The process of transition is the inner emotional work of letting go of what was and moving toward the acceptance of what is coming to be. Transitions take time to make the trip from the past to the future which is becoming. Last winter my wife and I had to make the hard decision of putting down our 12 year old cat. He was very sick and was not going to get well. One day he was with us and the next day he wasn’t. Many mornings went by before I stopped looking for him on the top step waiting for us to come down stairs and fix his breakfast. We gave away most of the stuff and equipment we had accumulated, yet we kept expecting him to jump up on Nancy’s lap or my desk in the evening. It took us weeks to come to terms that Misha was gone. The tapestry of our life had to be unknotted and strings pulled out to move into life in his absence.

It is important to realize that just because a change has been announced or happens everybody immediately is not going to be on board and living comfortably with the new situation. It takes time for many to go through the processing of letting go and taking hold. We need to work as hard, or harder, helping people while they go through the transition as in planning and enacting the change.

Pastoral Transitions

Image: fromthedeskofmardrag.wordpress.com

A significant interest and focus of mine is the various transitions experienced by those who serve in a pastoral role. How do we engage, navigate, and reflect upon these transitions for a more fruitful future ministry? As a pastoral coach, walking with pastors through that engagement, navigation and reflection for future fruitful ministry is the core of what I offer to pastors.

A recent Google search for “pastoral transitions” found that most sites deal with the transitions of entry and exit. While these are the bookend transitions in pastoral ministry they are not the only transitions pastors encounter. Transitioning from the “honeymoon” to more realistically seeing and being seen by the congregation is significant. Transitioning through the first conflict often sets the tone and style for future ministry. Membership increases and decreases are sometime subtle and sometime dramatic. Either way they present a transition from what was to what is and to what may be. The loss of a significant financial supporter forces a difficult transition. The congregation’s edifice being destroyed is a traumatic transition.

Many pastoral transitions are faced for the first time by neophyte pastors. While local denominational staff and area colleagues may be able to provide immediate support neither have the time to provide consistent and longer term support for the pastor engaging, navigating and reflecting on the transitions for future fruitful ministry. This is not a disparaging of local denominational staff nor of area colleagues. It is a simple fact of life.

Thanks to the relative ease of cross-continental relocation for ministers, the transition of moving from one culture to another can be difficult. Imagine the cultural transition experienced, even by a seasoned pastor, in moving from a metropolitan area to a rural area or vice-versa. How about moving from a congregation with an annual average attendance of 70 to a congregation with an attendance of 250? It is not as easy as some may suspect.

Every day is a transition from yesterday to today. Every day brings new challenges and opportunities. Every day our relationships with other people are in transition, either evolving of devolving. Every day a pastor’s well planned tasks for the day can change with the next phone call or the next person encountered on the street.

Think of the transitions faced by the disciples. One day they were going about their daily routines, and the next Jesus called them to follow him. One day they were settled the next day they were itinerating throughout Galilee. One day they were gathered around Jesus and the next they were sent out two by two. One evening they were gathered at supper with Jesus and by the next evening He had been crucified and buried. One day they were a confident band, the next evening they were fearfully huddled behind closed and locked doors. Within a year they were no longer gathering in the close community they had enjoyed to being scattered as individual evangelists.

Jesus promised them a new companion, the Paraclete, to comfort, teach and embolden them. In Christian theology the Paraclete, the Holy Spirit, comes alongside as an advocate or counselor. As pastors engage, navigate and reflect upon transitions for future fruitful ministry, a coach can be an instrument of the Paraclete. Pastors do not have to engage, navigate and reflect upon transitions alone. The probability of future fruitful ministry is enhanced by engaging a coach.

https://www.wayostccs.com

Absolutely

When was the last time you were wrong about something?

Last week my wife and I had dental appointments an hour apart in a small town not far from us were we used to live. Even though it is about a thirty minute drive we have stayed with the same dentist and ophthalmologist. They are both very good and we trust them. After our appointments we were going to drive out to a fabric store Nancy wanted to visit, but it didn’t open for over an hour. So we decided to get lunch. We agreed on the restaurant. I started to turn toward the restaurant and Nancy indicated I was turning at the wrong place. Sternly I insisted I was making the proper turn. (And I was right) She didn’t appreciate either my tone or my choice of words. She said, “In spite of what you think, you are not always right.” Ouch, but she was right. I think I made a mistake last year.

In many areas of life absolutism is the current base of discourse. We shout at and talk past each other with our absolutes. Listen to the political ads on the TV. There is one and only one answer to each of the issues, depending on who is talking. One candidate states that the only way to deal with an issue is their way. Another candidate will declare their proposal is the only reasonable solution to the same issue. Politics is not the only arena where absolutism is at play.

In the Church, we have been pretty good at the game of absolutism. It is absolutely true that the sun revolves around the earth. It is absolutely true that a day at creation had 24 hours. It is absolutely true there is only one view of marriage in the Bible. It is absolutely true that Israel is righteous in dealing with the Palestinians. It is absolutely true that Israel’s dealing with the Palestinians is unwarranted and evil. It is absolutely true that intinction is the best way to distribute the Elements for Communion. It is absolutely true that passing the Elements down the pew is the way it has always been done. It is absolutely true that dogs were created before cats.

Our absolutism can become absolutely ridiculous. Is it possibly true that “In spite of what you think, you are not always right?”  Some people cannot fathom the possibility there might be more than one answer to a problem or opportunity. There is only one way to balance the church budget, cut the fat and by that I mean the pastor’s salary. The only way we will ever balance the budget is to increase income. We have to insist on tithing from our members. Does it really have to be all one way or the other? Actually, we probably can find some ways to reduce some expense and to encourage increased giving.

Is there not any room for ambiguity? Are there not times where more than one answer will work? Is it not possible that the Reformed Tradition and Roman Catholicism have something to teach each other? Does one have to be either a strict creationist or an evolutionist? What do the two dominant American political parties have to teach each other? Can technology and spirituality co-exist?

I admit I can suffer as much as anybody from the disease of absolutism. However, I have to constantly be reminded and to remind myself, The moment we are convinced were are dead right, is precisely the moment when we are most vulnerable to be dead wrong.

Privilege

Have you ever thought when you go out to eat in a nice restaurant that the person serving you probably can’t afford to eat in that restaurant? How about when you stay in a mid-range lodging have you considered that the housekeeping staff can’t afford to stay there? The fact that you and I can afford the restaurant or lodging means we are privileged.

Yes, we are privileged. We read this blog on the internet. We are privileged, because there are people living within a radius of no more than two and one-half miles from us who cannot afford a computer or internet service. The fact you and I can read means we are privileged. As hard as it may be to believe there of men, women, boys and girls in the same two and one-half miles who are functionally illiterate. More often than not, we do not consider these things as making us privileged.

You bet we are privileged. Can you go to a faucet, in your house, turn it on and have access to all the clear and clean water you want? There are people even here in the good ole USA who cannot do that. If you can you are privileged. I remember, when I was in Rwanda, seeing young children and baby carrying mothers hauling home large jerry cans of water which they had just scooped out of a muddy creek. I am painfully aware I am privileged.

Often it is difficult to acknowledge and accept the fact that in one or multiple ways you and I are privileged. If one student in a class room has two pencils and the student sitting beside her has no pencils the one with two is privileged. Now, some would have us feel guilty about being privileged. The real question is, do we use whatever privilege we might have to level the playing field for those less privileged? It is not just sharing one of the two pencils we may be holding. What are we doing to make sure the one with no pencils has the where with all to obtain pencils for themself. It is not about telling those less privileged to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps.  Have you ever tried to pick up both of your feet at the same time by your ankles? It cannot be done.

Trickle down economics can only be advocated by the super-privileged. It is based on the fallacious notion that as one gets richer the riches will flow down to those less privileged. The basic human inclination is to always want more than we currently have. Jesus told a story about trickle down economics in Luke 16:19-31.  Dives had to settle for the crumbs which trickled down from the table of Lazarus. The challenge to those with privilege is in reading what happened after both Lazarus and Dives died.

How do we use our privilege to level the field for those less privileged? That is the question I am wrestling with and hope you will wrestle with it also.