Just before Christmas we had to have our cat “put down.” My
wife and I still find ourselves at times doing things as we did when he was
with us. After eleven years some behaviors become routine. Because he was a bad
cat and would go into any bedroom and whiz in the middle of the bed, we put a
baby gate at the top of the stairs to prevent the cat’s access to our bedroom.
Each evening we would “lock” the gate and each morning unlock it so we could
get down the stairs. There are still mornings when I automatically reach to unlock
the gate, even though it is no longer there.
I use this to illustrate how our patterned behaviors can and
often do continue long after there has been a change which no longer requires
that behavior. There is the story about a woman preparing to cook a beef roast.
One of the first steps in the preparation was cutting off an end portion. When asked
why she did that she responded, “That’s the way mom always did it.” When her
mother was questioned why she had always done it that way she responded, “That’s
the way mom always did it.” When the grandmother was asked why she always cut
off a portion of the roast she replied, “I always bought a three pound roast. My
roasting pan was too small for it all to fit. So I would cut off a bit of the
roast and used it for something else later.”
How much of our lives are lived doing what we used to do
regardless of the changes in circumstances surrounding us? I know there is a
lot in my own life. So much of it is on automatic pilot. We are being told that
long distance airline pilots may be losing their flying skills because of their
extended use of autopilot. Are we losing some of our life and discernment
skills because of extended use of autopilot?
In most 12 Step programs Step 4 is, Making a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. That
is no easy proposition. The two adjectives defining the moral inventory are searching and fearless. Searching takes us deeper than the first layer or two.
Searching is to plumb the depths to get to the real us we have kept hidden,
even from ourselves. Fearless does not mean we won’t find skeletons and
monsters which will frighten the hell out of us. It means we will not allow our
fears to impede our inventory. We need to face our fears and move forward.
It is said, The seven
last words of the church (or any organization) is, “We have always done it that
way.” The time between a circumstantial change and modified behavior in
light of the change is called a “lag.” With the rapidity of change in our lives,
and in the world, the acceptable lag time is becoming shorter and shorter. That
makes it all the more important to stop and ask, Why am I doing this and why am I doing it this way? It is helpful
if we have somebody with us who can ask the questions if we do not ask them of
our self.
The other night on the Daily Show, it was pointed out to Jon
Stewart that he always slaps his desk before asking one of his
probing/insightful questions. It was amazing to him that he had that behavior.
A pitching or batting coach in baseball might stand watching the player for a
long period of time seeking to identify flaws to be corrected or improvements
to be made. The player cannot see from the same perspective as the coach, even
when watching videos by his/her self. The coach is able to ask the why
questions and to help the player adopt new behaviors. Which must be constantly
practiced and re-enforced until they replace the previous way of doing things.
That is part of the practice for anybody entering a 12 Step program is to do
thirty meetings in thirty days.
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